Is He Actually Capable of Change?
Before you make the most important decision of your life, find out what you are actually dealing with. Based on 40 years of infidelity research. Takes 5 minutes. Your score is waiting at the end.
Start the assessment below. When you have your score, you will see how to get the full printable PDF version with scoring guide and interpretation table.
The 23-Point Reconciliation Assessment
Check the flags. Count your score.
Know what you are dealing with.
Check every flag that is clearly and consistently present as a pattern — not a single bad moment. Your first response is usually the honest one.
Section 1 — Red Flags (check each that is consistently present): Every flag you check counts as 1 point toward your total.
Section 2 — Repair Flags (check each that genuinely applies): These do not cancel Red Flag points — they show the full picture alongside them.
✕ Red Flags — Accountability & Honesty
Minimising the betrayal — Calls it “just” something, or frames the scope as smaller than what you know.
Blaming you for the affair — Any version of “if you had been more X, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Trickle-truthing — The full truth only comes out in pieces, each time you find more evidence.
Refusing a full accounting — Won’t answer what happened, with whom, for how long, or what it meant.
Lying about the lies — Insists it’s over when it isn’t. Minimises contact that continues.
✕ Red Flags — Remorse & Empathy
Performed remorse — Apologises when pushed. No unprompted, specific understanding of the harm he caused.
Making your grief about him — When you cry, the conversation shifts to his guilt, his pressure, how hard this is for him.
Impatient with your healing — “It’s been X weeks. Are you ever going to get over this?”
No curiosity about why — Cannot or will not examine what led him to make the choices he made.
✕ Red Flags — Transparency, Control & The Dynamic
Contact with affair partner continues — Any ongoing contact he has not proactively and voluntarily ended.
Refuses reasonable transparency — Resists openness about phone, whereabouts, or communications.
Gaslighting — Calls you “crazy” for checking, “obsessive” for asking, “punishing” him for not recovering faster.
Using the children — Hints your relationship decisions will affect his involvement with the kids.
History of prior betrayals — This is not the first time. There is a pattern, not a single incident.
Pressuring you to decide now — Ultimatums or urgency that serves his comfort, not your healing.
Therapy resistance — Refuses individual therapy or performs progress in sessions and reverts in private.
✓ Repair Flags — Signs Reconciliation May Be Possible
Disclosed voluntarily — Told you before or instead of being fully caught. The strongest single predictor of genuine remorse.
Ended contact immediately — Cut off the affair partner proactively, not gradually, not partially.
Answers questions honestly — Tolerates your questions without defensiveness or minimising, however painful.
In individual therapy — Doing his own work to understand what led to his choices, not just attending couples sessions.
Unprompted accountability — References what he did without being confronted. Checks in on how you’re doing without being asked.
Patient with your timeline — No tracking of how many days have passed. No signals that you should be further along.
Understands what the affair meant — Can articulate what he was seeking, not as excuse, but as genuine self-knowledge. Perel’s core criterion.
You can imagine trusting again — When you picture a future with him, something in you opens rather than closes completely. Your body knows.
Your score so far
Real accountability appears to be present. Couples therapy with an infidelity specialist is your next step. The Should I Stay or Should I Go course gives you the Clarity Anchor Method to help you process what you know and make this decision from strength, not fear or hope.
Some genuine accountability, some deflection. Suspend final decisions for 60 to 90 days and watch for trajectory, not single moments. The Clarity Anchor Method will show you exactly what to look for and how to stay grounded while you observe whether real change is happening.
Red flags significantly outweigh repair signals. Your nervous system is being managed, not healed. Seek individual support before making any commitments. The Should I Stay or Should I Go course includes the Separation Planning Workbook and Evidence Journal for exactly this situation.
This pattern is consistent with coercive control. Please prioritise your safety. The course includes both the Separation Planning Workbook and the First 48 Hours Decision Matrix for this level of situation. Please also reach out to a domestic abuse specialist as your first step.
Inside the Course
Everything in Should I Stay or Should I Go?
One course. One payment of $97. Every tool you need to make the biggest decision of your life from clarity, not crisis.
You already know something
does not add up.
Your score gave your thinking brain the framework to see the pattern clearly. Now you need a method to make the decision from strength, not fear, not attachment, not exhaustion. The Clarity Anchor Method is exactly that.
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